They’re intimate, personal, and private—these are probably the reasons why it’s so hard to talk about bedroom problems. But guess what? It’s the only logical thing to do if you want to resolve them.
In this article:
- Talking About Bedroom Problems
- 5 Benefits of a Healthy Sex Life
- Sex Problems Are More Common Than You Realize
- Psychological Reasons We Avoid Talking About Sex
- How to Have Better Sex
How to Communicate Sexually: How to Bring Up Lack of Intimacy
Talking About Bedroom Problems
Everyone wants intimacy in the bedroom, and we don’t mean just physical.
Connecting with another person is a human need. We crave healthy attachment, and one of the most beautiful ways to communicate love is through sex.
Unfortunately, there often exists a block in verbal communication, leaving many well-meaning partners dissatisfied, and potentially permeating into the rest of the relationship.
The first solution is to talk about any problems in the bedroom.
But you didn’t need us to tell you that. It’s much easier said than done.
Why does simply uttering a few important words about our needs seem impossible, even if we logically know it’s the right thing to do?
5 Benefits of a Healthy Sex Life
Before we get into the nitty-gritty about intimate discussions, let’s look at why having a healthy sex life is important. Outside of establishing healthy boundaries, getting your emotional needs met, and strengthening relationships, regular sex provides a whole host of benefits.
1. Cardiovascular Health
It’s no secret a good romp can get your heart pumping. But did you know it can also lower your blood pressure?
Multiple studies show a significant correlation between low blood pressure and regular sex. That may be because it’s technically exercised. While you’ve got to have a pretty extensive session to get anything like a gym workout, it still gets you moving. By stimulating blood flow, muscular activation, and hormonal balance, sex can be a more enjoyable way to do cardio.
2. Better Sleep
Research shows your reproductive hormones, like estrogen and testosterone, help regulate sleep since the womb.
In adults, estrogens and progestin tend to enhance sleep amount, and androgens facilitate REM sleep. But it’s more than just the act of doing the deed.
Having satisfying sex with someone you care aids sleep by stimulating oxytocin, or the “love hormone”. This hormone helps us feel connected, comforted, and safe – all a great combo to lull us off to sleep.
Even more, orgasm releases prolactin, whose high concentrations are associated with late-night, slow-wave sleep.
Therefore, neglecting that talk about what you want in the bedroom might actually be disrupting your sleep.
3. Improved Mood and Cognition
The fact that healthy, safe sex can improve mood isn’t news. It reduces stress by altering your hormone levels.
Positive intercourse raises dopamine and lowers cortisol, and by successfully reaching orgasm, you get that boost of oxytocin.
We get it — it can be near-impossible to get in the mood when you’re under a mountain of work. But science says give it a try, and you might find relief.
Interestingly, studies have found that staying sexually active into old age increases performance on word recall and number sequencing tests. Going at it at least once per week seems to be the key to better cognitive functioning than your peers.
Who says a happy sex life is just for young people?
4. Reduced Prostate Cancer Risk
In 2016, research out of Europe dropped this statistic: ejaculating at least 21 times per month was associated with a lower risk of prostate cancer. A few caveats here — this was just one study, and men self-reported their ejaculation frequency, so it’s possible there was a bit of an exaggeration.
The study didn’t specify ejaculation from sex, so no shame in self-satisfying. But if you’re doing so to avoid talking about bedroom problems with your partner, there might be a bigger issue at play.
That brings us to our final point.
5. Enhanced Intimacy in Relationships
Hand-holding, cuddling, and open, honest conversation all keep us connected to our significant others. Sex takes things a step further by releasing oxytocin, lowering stress, stimulating dopamine, and, theoretically, opening up new avenues of communication.
Stripping down to your socks is an incredible show of vulnerability. When you continue to sleep with the same person, you further solidify those bonds.
All too often, however, one or both partners leave dissatisfied. By silently holding on to your resentment, you’re only pushing your partner further away, limiting your access to all of the amazing benefits of sex.
Sex Problems Are More Common Than You Realize
Medical professionals see this so often that they’ve coined the term “sexual dysfunction”.
What is sexual dysfunction? This refers to any issue during sex, from the moment you get turned on to cuddling in bed after you orgasm.
According to a study published in the International Journal of Impotence Research, 10.3% of women and 26.2% of men self-report some sort of sexual dysfunction. The disconnect, however, was found in the reports made by the partners about their wives or husbands: they did not correlate with the self-reports made.
Regardless of sexual expression, gender identity, kinks, or sexual orientation, that is significant data which is hard to ignore. Many of us face bedroom problems, even our partners—the more reason why we should open the floor for discussions.
Here are the four major categories of sexual issues:
- Desire disorders
- Orgasm disorders
- Arousal disorders
- Pain disorders
Problems can arise at any stage of the above. Maybe you just haven’t been feeling it lately, and it’s causing you to resent how often your partner tries to initiate.
Or maybe you’re the initiator and find yourself wondering if your partner loves you anymore.
Its possible sex is causing you more pain than it should, but you’re scared to say anything in fear of hurting your partner’s feelings. Or maybe you just can’t get it up, and you’re embarrassed to even try.
Whatever your issue, know that you are not alone. While many sexual frustrations require medical intervention, it’s still important to voice them to your partner.
Psychological Reasons We Avoid Talking About Sex
It’s hard enough to talk about who takes the trash out every week, much less sharing your most private secrets. Fear of rejection is an incredibly strong motivator.
What if you express interest in a fun, new position and get laughed at? What if you want to have more sex, and your partner flat out denies you that expression of love and commitment?
It’s really scary to break that barrier.
Moreover, sex, at least in America, still carries this weird taboo. It’s a hush-hush topic from an early age.
The pressure to stay abstinent still dominates sexual education. And it’s somehow more acceptable to show killings and abuse in the media than loving, consensual, awesome sex.
Even in sensual, mainstream films, anything deviating from the most vanilla, missionary position (between a man and a woman, mind you) takes place in the corners of society.
No wonder people feel shame about expressing their desires! We’ve been inundated with 1000 reasons since before we even had “the talk”.
It’s hard to get rid of these deep-rooted associations. Especially when, for some of us, the issues go even deeper.
Tragically, too many people are victims of sexual abuse. For those who’ve suffered through any form of unwanted abuse, getting intimate is obviously loaded with pain, sadness, confusion, and tons of other inhibitions.
If this applies to you or your partner, patience, understanding, and ongoing communication is vital. There’s no pressure to have more sex than you want, ever.
Make sure to bring a licensed, medical professional into it to help you heal from trauma, and know that you are well within your rights to set as many boundaries as you need.
So what can we do about it?
How to Have Better Sex
Whether it’s a psychological or physical block, you and your partner deserve to work through the underlying issues together. Communication is key in a strong relationship, especially when it comes to sex.
So how can you broach the subject?
1. Avoid Pre- and Post-Coital Discussions
You’re fresh out of a sexual romp, and you’re reminded again of that nagging issue. Perfect time to bring it up, right?
Remember all of those hormones that we discussed at the top? Sex actively alters your ability to think logically about things.
You and your partner are more likely to have an emotionally-charged conversation in the bedroom. Choose a neutral location where you can comfortably and rationally communicate.
2. Keep It Simple
Don’t bring up every last thing that’s been annoying you this past year in your sex talk.
Yes, it might also annoy you that your husband doesn’t pick his clothes up off the floor. But now’s not the time.
Stick to one topic, such as increasing your sexual frequency, and work that out. Sex comes with all sorts of complex emotions, so it’s best to keep the conversation simple.
3. Take Responsibility for Your Part
A relationship is a two-way street, and both parties contribute to its health. Avoid the blame game, reassure them that you’re aware of your role, and make soft suggestions for you both to improve.
You might say something like “I know I’ve been stressed and never initiate sex, and that must be frustrating for you. But I’d like to brainstorm a way we can both be more satisfied.
I do love our activities in the bedroom, but I’ve been feeling pressured lately. Maybe we can discuss our expectations for how often we have sex, and come up with a solution that brings us closer together.”
4. Realize It’s Not a One and Done
Hopefully, your initial conversation will clear a lot of air.
Often just breaking the tension leads to greater satisfaction in both parties. But it’s okay to continue the conversation.
After all, you’re in an ongoing relationship, and things are constantly shifting in our lives. Learn to appreciate your ability to communicate and tackle those fears of bringing it up.
With more practice, it’ll get more comfortable, and your sex lives will reflect it.
Open communication will allow things to flow better inside the bedroom. It will also lessen or remove the awkwardness in your conversations about sex and intimacy.
And the best part of it is something you can experience yourself.
If erectile dysfunction is the problem there are so many solutions available at your fingertips. In fact, try Sildenafil today.
Are you having issues on how to communicate sexually with your partner? How are you dealing with it? Share it in the comments below, we’ll help you out.